By Chetna Kapoor

But alas no rain.

Jackass. Pavithram village near Salem in Tamilnadu witnessed a rare wedding — dhoti clad jackass bridegroom and saree clad female ass bride were bound in matrimonial bliss to appease the rain God. Guests lavished the bride and the groom with gifts. But the rain God refused to relent.

Planetary Kalyug. The months of May and June of this year could prove calamitous, according to Gayatri Devi Vasudev, a leading Indian astrologer credited with predicting a grim tragedy for the United States, eight months before the Sept 11 attacks. Five planets — Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, Saturn and Venus — enter a rare grouping in a single house in celestial charts on May 13 and 14. She predicts troubled times for India and Pakistan, including an “unresolvable situation” that could result in the “exit” of Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf. And she warns of major setbacks to the United States, including potential terrorist threats and an earthquake. Check back with us in July.

Please do not use the Loo. PM is on a visit. For more than a month 10,000 inmates of the Shah Alam Mosque Relief Camp in Gujrat were sharing 19 toilets. Overnight 25 new ones were constructed. Before the inmates could begin to rejoice they found their entry banned to all the toilets. They were asked to control themselves as the Prime Minister was on a visit and the stench would be unbearable. When things began to get out of control a mobile toilet with a capacity for 8 people was provided. Is the PMs sense of smell any stronger than those of these inmates who live in that hell hole?

Crooning outside the bathroom. Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee is plastered all over funky music channels all over India with the debut of a Hindi music video based on one of his poems Kya Khoya, Kya Paya. The video showing Vajpayee in different moods, sometimes, writing, sometimes strolling, sometimes gazing pensively out of a window, juxtaposed with images of his co-star, Shah Rukh Khan. So Atalji, kya khoya, kya paya?

Madhuri, pass it on. It seems Madhuri Dixit has decided to pass some of her dazzle on. She is teaming up with a Calcutta-based cosmetic company Emami to launch a range of low-priced shampoos and skin creams. Madhuri, of “Ek Do Teen” fame, says her branded products will not be quite as steep as the price she commands for her movie rolls. They will all be priced below Rs 50. “I really wanted these products to be a part of me. They are affordable as I didn’t want my products to be beyond the range of my fans who have given me so much love.” Maska, layer it on, Madhuri, layer it on!

A lesson in charity. A poor milkman in Raipur Chattisgarh died for want of medical aid. His poor widow, Jambai, sold all the little property she had and donated it along with her meagre savings to build a hospital so that others may not suffer the fate of her husband. Commendably, the State government pooled in to add a maternity ward to the hospital. Jambai has no intention of just sitting back after doing this noble deed. She intends to continuously pour in her savings to add more facilities to the hospital.

Dual Nationality opposed. An organization of NRIs in Britain is opposing the Indian Government’s proposal to grant dual citizenship to NRIs and people of Indian origins. This organization feels that at a time when all countries are tightening their citizenship laws after the Sept 11 attack, India is thinking in the reverse direction. They dismiss any of the advantages of dual citizenship cited by the Government. Moreover it feels it will only be a threat to security at a time when already there is a high level of anti-India activities in Britain.

Aid from a dormitory. Indian American, Sanjay Basu, has been able to mobilize aid to far off places sitting in his dorm .The first project he undertook was rehabilitation of Gujrat after the earthquake. He spends an hour calling up doctors, philanthropist and others asking them to help the poor and needy in developing countries. He has coordinated refugee relief with the Revolutionary Afghan Women’s Association and helped to provide AIDS related drugs to Haiti. He is not alone in his efforts. At present it has become a student run nationwide network of university groups with the sole aim of alleviating sufferings.

A virtual world. The parents of a 16 year old were not unduly worried that their son would not have impressive degrees to prefix his name because he was after all an internet whizkid. The proud parents spent more than a lakh of rupees to buy computers and all the latest gadgets that go along with it. However their pride was shortlived as the Cyber Crime Cell of the CBI has booked their whizkid for bombarding a UK based company with junk mails. Reason – Revenge.This boy from Pondicherry had cut himself off from all his school friends and lived in a virtual world. In the process he developed a relationship with this firm. But when this relationship turned sour he sought revenge by flooding them with emails asking them to shut down one of their websites.

Oscar for Indians. Aamir and his team may have returned empty handed from the Oscars, but there are three Indians in America rejoicing as they are part of the team of the Oscar winner of the Best Animation Film Shrek. The trio Mahesh Ramasubramanian, Vinitha Rangaraju and Rahul Chandrakant Thakkar were delirious with joy when Shrek was announced the winner in the category introduced for the first time at the Oscars. Ramasubramanian had a hand in adding character to a disgusting, ugly, yet somehow adorable, computer-generated ogre who takes mud showers and uses earwax cones as dinner candles Rangaraju, was the lighting technical director of the movie.

Lagaan’s Lagaan. Oscar may have eluded Aamir because he did not have the good wishes of the people of Kumaria village in Kutch, Gujrat, which was devastated in the earthquake that rocked the area soon after Aamir concluded a one year shooting stint there of Lagaan. The village folk are a disgruntled lot as they feel that Aamir earned millions from the movie but did not do sufficient to alleviate the sufferings of the people who played host to his unit of Lagaan.

Rare Antiques. These are antiques which the best of socialites would not want to boast having on the mantle piece at home. The discovery of these antiques was made in the process of sprucing up one of the oldest Railway hospitals at Danapur in Bihar. Drugs dating to the pre-independence era (1935 to be precise) were found in the same room that stores medicines for daily treatment. We can only hope that they have remained as antiques and not been administered to some unsuspecting patient.

Indians’ foreign hangup. The tourism department of the country is trying to lure tourists to Goa and Pondicherry by advertising them as a miniscule version of Europe. Portuguese and French language are still a part of the ethos and culture of these two states. Pondicherry is home to 10,000 French nationals who still enjoy the right to vote in France. So all those Indians who have unfulfilled dreams of travelling abroad can visit these destinations and say they have been to “phoren.”

Larger than life on the small screen. Lalloo Yadav may appear as a new avtar, a talk show host on the tele. Reports say that Sahara TV is negotiating with Lalloo Yadav to host a talk show on their channel. One person Lallo Yadav wants on the hot seat is Amitabh Bachchan so that he can pose the question “Why do you think Mulayam Singh Yadav is the epitome of Humanity?” A music Company has also made an offer to Lallo Yadav to record his jokes,made famous by Shekhar Suman, in his own voice. Advertising companies are already emulating his voice to sell products. His political followers try to speak in his style. No wonder Zee TV had Lallo Yadav on their show titled Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hai.

High-powered power crisis. UP is reeling under the summer heat. Add to that 10 hour power cuts. Much of this problem could be resolved if the defaulters would clear their electricity dues. Nine former Chief Ministers owe Rs. 3.4 millions. Our very own Atal Behari Vajpayee is among the esteemed defaulters. UP it seems is the only state which allows ex Chief Ministers to retain their bungalows for life so that even their progeny can use them. Governor Krishan Kumar intends to crack down on the defaulters, but we all know he will not be very successful as most defaulters are commercial houses and political bigwigs both of which no one dare touch. So the residents of this State have no choice but to sweat it out. The only beneficiaries of all this could be divorce lawyers as a certain survey conducted has shown that increase in family squabbles and number of divorce cases are in direct proportion to the rise in temperature. When temperature rises outside temper rises within.

Lipstick to bring a smile to your lips. The Bbotanical Research Institute in Lucknow has come up with a herbal lipstick the mere application of which can lift up the spirits of a depressed soul. That is not all. It is a woman’s answer to the Viagra. It is supposed to stimulate the sex drive too.

The curse of the kohinoor. The display of the Kohinoor diamond at the Queen Mother’s funeral has roused the ire of some among the Indian community. Out of sight was out of mind. The kohinoor diamond was something we read about in history books. In keeping with the Queen Mother’s wishes, the kohinoor crown was placed above her coffin as it was taken out in procession. For those Indians who caught glimpses of it while watching on television the feeling aroused was “it is ours and it should be returned to us.” The feeling was strongest among the Sikh community, which forms a large chunk of Indians in Britain as the Kohinoor was the property of Maharaja Ranjit Singh.

Slumming it, just like in the movies. Indian actress Antra Mali says she lived in slums to prepare for her role in Company, the newest mafia movie by thriller director Ram Gopal Varma. Mali said her role as Kanno, wife of the criminal played by Vivek Oberoi, was a sharp contrast to her last movie role, in the passionate Khiladi 420. “I have a very simple and deglamorized look in this movie,” Mali said in an interview. Mali told the Asian Age, “I can confidently state that I have played it to perfection. I did a lot of homework for it. I visited slums. I lived in the slums.” Just for the record, Mali was coy about sharing any details about her slum life with journalists, but then there is the movie.

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