The Vanishing Circle

Yes, there was a time when newcomers to America would gather in each other's homes, bringing their specialty, be it saag or gulab jamuns. While the children played or watched TV, the men would gather over beer discussing cricket, politics and green cards, while the women traded secret recipes for the no-sweat method of making favorite dishes, tips about where to buy good sneakers for the children, or vented about problems at the workplace.

Every family seemed to have a close-knit inner circle of friends; people who could watch your kids or pick them up from school. If you were unwell, a friend could be counted on to bring you some homemade lunch. Had a problem with your car? A friend was always available to pick you up for a party at a common friend's home. Graduations and birthdays were celebrated together and a visiting aunt or parent would be invited to several homes for some warm Indian hospitality. The furniture may have been hand-me-downs or bare bones, but the enthusiasm and warmth was palpable.

Yet somewhere along the way, that circle of friends seems to have vanished, disappeared into thin air. Sure, these friends still meet socially a few times a year, but that closeness is gone. In some cases, these old friendships have been totally annulled, traded for social friendships, cocktail chatter or maybe a round of golf.

She says that her sister-in-law who came to the United States even earlier remembers scrolling through the phone book for Indian names and calling them: "They would be so friendly and invite her over and give many helpful hints about survival. At that time there was no distinction of communities or languages. We were all Indians together."

Comparing then and now, she says, "Now with affluence, things have become so formal. Here in Houston most Indian parties are catered now. And of course everyone hires movers. That's partly because we're too old to do otherwise!"
She points out that friends are mostly from within one's own community. As friends move away, lured by better jobs to new places, it becomes increasingly hard to make new and close friendships at a later age and with the added pressures of career and children. 

Kanta Khipple of Chicago also remembers a more golden time when friendships were enduring ones. She came to the United States in her 30s as a student to Ann Arbor, Mich., and reared her children in a university environment. Khipple, who was working on a masters in public administration, was always on a budget but found caring friends who helped to make life easier.

Friends would pass on children's clothes or bed sheets and nobody thought badly about it. "Those were close relationships," she recalls. "Professors would invite us home for meals on Diwali and Thanksgiving. We'd get together for picnics and outings. It was a very caring environment."

Khipple, who is a co-founder of Apna Ghar, a shelter for battered women, says she has maintained some of these friends over the years, but now because of age and physical distances, some are drifting away. She adds, "It's difficult to make those kind of friendships, because once you've lived in America so long, individualism has crept in those friendships and American values and no time to talk to anyone. This is happening quite often." 

Today our social circles and acquaintances are so many that it leaves little time to nurture more intimate friendships. Does anyone picnic anymore? Or go apple picking to an orchard in the summer with family in tow? These were activities that new immigrants, cash-strapped and with young children to entertain, indulged in.

Now the intimate gatherings are few and far-between. People talk about their achievements, their new acquisitions, not about their problems. Relatives pass away in India and friends who would have dropped in with comfort and condolences on hearing the news, now just make a phone call or sometimes, not even that.

Jaiswal, who is chairperson of the Indian American Culture Group, finds people often don't even have time for their own families as they juggle the demands of work. When her organization got space from Nassau County to start a Senior Center, she says, some people told her they had no time to drop off their parents at the center. She says this would have been unimaginable 20 years ago. She finds the whole attitude toward reaching out and helping at a social or community level has changed. No one has time to volunteer to do mailings and instead suggest she hire a secretary to do these volunteer chores.

And of course, with the advent of catering, the potluck dinners are a dying breed. "There was a time when we had no choice," says Jaiswal. "If I had hundred people over, I would cook for a hundred people. Now the option of catering the food is available, and that's another reason why people have stopped having those intimate kind of parties." 

Today's fast paced society leaves hardly any time to get to know thy neighbor, much less love them as thyself. You may exchange pleasantries and then retreat into your private world. After a hectic workday, people return home tired and frazzled to chores and dinner. 

You may see an Indian family at the grocery store and avert your eyes. If you encounter someone repeatedly, you may trade a hello, but would never dream of inviting them over. You don't connect, unlike in the old days, when to meet another Indian was to have found a piece of heaven.

"When I was ready to come home from the hospital they drove me home. They cooked for me for a week and took care of the babies,almost as if I was their daughter. They were more than my parents. I feel like crying when I think of all that they did for me." Indu Jaiswal

Close friendships are substituted to some degree by organizations and other support groups, says Abraham: "Our notions of intimacy and long enduring friendships and expectations have changed in the way we relate to others, because today we have multiple ways of contact that we didn't have earlier." 

Young parents form playgroups for their children and often share support and experiences as they watch their children's baseball games together or take them for outings.

Sunil Mahtani of Raleigh, N.C., says solid friendships often form around same age children and the friends meet regularly and support other in times of sickness or other problems. He's also seen techie groups where the common profession brings people together.

According to Jaiswal, religion is also fast becoming the catalyst for bringing people together and  meaningful connections form in the gurudwaras and temples. "The way the circles are being rejuvenated is through small puja groups that people form. About 20 families get together once a month in each other's house to hold a puja or read from the Gita or the Ramayana together after which they share a meal. Since they meet regularly, they know what is happening in each other's lives."

While life in America may be frenetic, it is slowing down for the baby boomers and the empty-nesters and she finds that with the children grown and gone, couples are back where they started - two people on their own. Many of them are getting together with other like-minded couples and are often discovering that they are coming together again with long lost friends.

However, for most people the circle of friends seem to be more work or child related, or based on common organizations than on the chance encounter of new immigrants, new neighbors or simply the commonality of ethnicity. "I don't think the circles are disappearing ,but because of technology, time, work pressures and the changing relationship to society, they get restructured in such a way that they seem partly invisible," says Margaret Abraham. "This is actually reflective of the larger society and it is also symptomatic of an Indian community that was much smaller becoming much larger."
 
While the circle of close friendships may not be as intimate or deep as one would like, it is not entirely vanishing, it's just getting reconfigured. But then that is the nature of immigrant life.